I couldn't sleep

After watching the movie ‘Everybody’s fine’, a nice movie about a newly widowed father who travels across the country to meet up with his children who he has a strained relationship with. It got me thinking about my own relationships. Have I done everything I could do? If I were to die would the people who matter to me go forward with their lives knowing that I wished them well? Would my children know that all I truly want for them is to live a full and happy life? Did I really live life to the fullest and lead by example?

That last one, I’m going to say ‘no and yes’.

I don’t live every moment to the fullest, in fact, I have caught myself drifting in and out a couple times. Like the song from Linkin Park, ‘It’s easier to run’, I find that I’ve got a certain part of myself that just zones out sometimes. That says ‘Hey, I don’t think I can change this situation so why fight it?’

I know, it’s horrible, but I think it’s how most people are ‘living’ there life.

I also think that’s why people cheat on their spouses and just treat people like shit.

And I’m tired of it. Really.

I’m tired of being told to live in a little box, and I’m tired of being told to shhhh and keep quiet about things for the stupidest of reasons. That, in the end, come back to ultimately bite me.

To be honest, I feel that a lot of people are just set in their ways. I could tell a certain someone that I love them a hundred times and they would only look back to a time I didn’t return their phone call because I was changing a diaper and say that I’m a liar. I could tell someone that they should stand up make a change to some kind of product and that person could say ‘Hey, my hands are tied because the boss gave me these things to do.’ I could hug someone and they would only say that I’m only doing it because it’s expected and not because I want to become closer to them and I may never be able to do it again. I could take someone’s keys to make sure they don’t drink and drive, but that person would only see me as attempting to belittle them.

After a certain point, I’ve got to say ‘Listen, I’m an adult and you’re an adult. I’m going to go this way. You can do whatever you want.’

I’m going to stop there because I have to be at work in 5 hours.

Getting back into it

Well, the last couple of weeks have been really busy in between moving to a new location, new routines, new expenses and just a lot of new things. Unfortunately, I've allowed myself to get off the routines that I've been putting together and the biggest reason is my own procrastination.

Part of me wants to make this blog "Perfect", so I spend too much time thinking about all the little tools I should use to make it. I wonder "How am I going to host images?", "Am I going to continue hosting it on google?", "How do I keep track of old post: Should I leave them on the server or on my local machine?", "What if my laptop gets stolen?", "Should I only write on my laptop or anything I get my hands on?"

It goes on and on, and I forget the important thing. This blog is for me. I do it to put my thoughts into words and from there I post it for the whole world to see. I make it, not the other way around.

If you don't like it, you don't have to read it.