For most of my life, I've been driven by two distinct fears.
1) That I'll wind up like one of my drunken relatives.
Hiding from life using drugs and alcohol. Not caring about what happens to them or the world around them, but only for the current enjoyment.
and
2) That I'm not as smart as people think I am
That all the awards I won were just a fluke. That someone would one day say "Wait a minute! He doesn't deserve this"
So much of what I've done has been because of this. I initially went to school thinking that this would eliminate the chance of my fears coming true. It was there that I got a taste of what else was available to me a life outside of fear. A life where I did things because I wanted to do them.
But things sometimes don't go according to plan and I find myself in a situation I never thought I would be. And it wasn't until this moment that I begin to understand my fears a little more.
With my fear of winding up like my relatives, I understand why people would do something like that to themselves. They are afraid of the world. When problems show up we all have a choice on how to deal with them. We can stand up and make the best of it or we can run and hide. There are many places we can hide. A drunk stupor, sleeping away the day, reading the latest fantasy novel or playing the newest video games.
But those problems remain, and they only gain strength when you run. This causes some people to search for more and more ways to get away.
I want to say we should pity people in this situation, but I've walked that path too many times and I can tell you that your pity won't to anyone any good.
My second fear was something that I didn't understand that I had. Being "smart" has been something that I prided myself on, so much that I used it to define who I was a person. But I let what other people where (un)able to do become a measurement of how "smart" I was.
When I scored high on an exam, project or paper, I would think "Ha, I'm able to do this better then you!" and part of me felt validated. Validated that I spent the time and effort to do it. Validated that the choices I made, either related to the exam, paper, etc. or not, were good. And this worked some what, but it didn't truly make me happy. Quite possibly because it was all in an effort to combat my first fear.
The trouble with doing something like this, is that you can't always be on top. Someone somewhere is better than you. It may not be all things, it could just be one subject, but when you have a mentality like mine...
It always looks like a personal failure.
It felt like I was secretly competing with everyone. Better grades, better projects, better everything...
I'm tired of it...
I made my decisions, I will live with them. To those who did better than me in school and later on in "the real world". Congratulations.
I don't want to compete with you. It only makes me recent you and myself. That's no way to live.
